Looking After Number One | Health & Relationships

Hello, Hello.

Here we are again, a month since my last post, and I  have distanced myself from blogging, yet again. SO much has been going on in my life, (most of which I will go on to explain in this post) that I have been that overwhelmed at even the thought of finding the time to sit down and write. I am finally making a start to this post after a surprisingly long day at work but also a very motivated meeting that has kicked myself into gear. If you follow me on any of my social media's i.e. Twitter (@emmalouiseloves) or Instagram (@emmacarline), then you will have a rough idea of exactly what is going on with my life, but I am here to explain it in much further detail. Pre warning, what I discuss in today's blog post is rather personal and quite taboo to talk about - which in all honesty is why I want to talk about it. I am not going to hold anything back because I want to be as transparent as possible, just so that women feel more comfortable talking about these things! So there is your "trigger" warning.

So as I mentioned in my last post I am in a new relationship, and a few weeks ago I bled pretty bad during / right after intercourse. As soon as I realised that it wasn't me coming on my period I knew that something wasn't right. I had just changed over my mode of contraception, from being on the implant for 6 years to then going on the pill so I thought it might have something to do with that. I booked an appointment with the doctor for a check up just to see what was going on, and if it was anything to worry about. It came around to my appointment and she did a "smear" test, however I am too young for a proper smear she just did a full examination and took some swabs. Obviously prior to this she asked me a lot of questions about my sexual history, if I am in a new relationship and if we had been tested / used a condom. To which my reply was yes I am in a new relationship, and no we haven't used condoms. YES I KNOW, it was very gullible of me - I am much too trusting. So, she was already pre-judging and assuming that it will be S.T.I related. After she finished the examination she told me my cervix was swollen and "patchy", but she immediately near enough assured me it would be from an infection. However, my mum had cervical cancer - so she had a referral ready for the hospital. Never the less she did not prepare me one bit for if the results came back negative.

A week later, bear in mind in this time I had to try to explain to my very new boyfriend that there is a high risk that I have an S.T.I, I get my results back. SHOCK, there all negative. No signs of infection. I was on the phone to the doctors ready and prepared for, "oh it's gonorrhoea", and it knocked me back so hard. I was so mentally prepared for that result, and then to be told that there is no infection - I had no clue what to do. I was in no way prepared for it, nor did I know what my next step is or what I needed to do. I had a phone meeting with my doctor the next day, the hospital referral was sent through and I was rushed through due to my family history. All of this happening while trying to juggle a full time job, new relationship and a holiday in a few weeks. Stress doesn't even begin to touch the sides with what I have been going through.

The day of the appointment came round last week and I was absolutely bricking it, one I have only ever been once for an x-ray on my back, and two, the thought of another internal examination made me feel a bit sick. But I was positive that at least I was going to be getting somewhere. However, let me tell you now that was one of THE worst experiences of my life. To start with they had no notes or anything from the doctors, I had to tell them everything again because there had been literally no communication. The doctor was male, and didn't tell me till after the examination that he was a trainee. He really rushed the whole thing through, I felt super uncomfortable and vulnerable. Also, all they did was the EXACT same thing they did at the doctors. Took the same swabs for the same tests that I had been negative for 10 days prior. We told the nurse and the doctor this, and the nurse literally said "well do I need to bin these then?", at this point I was crying my eyes out feeling violated and like my time has been completely wasted. To top it all off, they out right refused to do a smear test, even after me and my mum both told them that she had cervical cancer they still refused claiming that I am just too young. I left that hospital angry, upset, confused violated and infuriated. It was such a waste of time. I had to wait till yesterday,  where I had a Colposcopy and the results from that will finally tell me what's wrong. However the nurse I had for this procedure was lovely, she talked me through and explained everything - what was going to happen now, and what will happen with future.

SO, what is a Colposcopy? It is where the take a magnifying glass and get a real close look at the cervix to be able to see exactly what's going on, and they take 2 biopsy samples to send to the lab to test for a definitive result. MY GOD, taking biopsy samples freaking hurt like a bitch. I am not going to sugar coat it, it's two very sharp twinges. Although she did take a much bigger sample on me than needed, so maybe that's why it hurt so much? Either way, it is painful but it's over in a few seconds and obviously 100% worth it to have your results fully conclusive. It was a weird experience, but was over in 40 minutes and very educational and reassuring that it isn't as scary or as daunting as it all seems. It will take around 2 weeks to get my results back, but I am surprisingly not worried! I know what the following procedure will be and I know that my treatment plan is already pretty much sorted for me, so in all honesty it's just a waiting game! Luckily, I go on holiday in a week so I have the best distraction, and also I don't think I have ever needed a holiday more than I do right now.

Understandably my blog has taken a backseat, which in all this madness it can't be helped. But while I am on this topic, us girls need to start talking more about these things. If I hadn't of bled during sex, I wouldn't of even had a clue there was anything wrong with me. We all need to feel more comfortable sharing our stories and talking about these things so that people going through it don't feel alone, and also don't ignore the warning signs. I know it's horrible, and the thought of going to the doctors about it is embarrassing but at the end of the day it's there job - and your health is more important. I'll be sure to keep you updated on the whole process / procedure and my results, I really want to share as much as this on my blog as possible because I think it will actually be super insightful and helpful. We all need to feel more confident talking about these things, at the end of the day we have nothing to be ashamed of.

OH, and onto the new relationship - that has unfortunately come to an end. It was me that ended things, for reasons I think I am going to cover in a future blog post. This post is long enough without me adding all this onto it. But I'll put it simply as I wasn't going to stay with someone who I just wasn't compatible with, the fact that I was constantly trying to make things work just emphasised the fact that things weren't working. It's not the be all and end all being in a relationship, I am happier on my own! There will be a full on discussion about this in a future post because I don't think anyone should feel like they have to be / stay with someone just for the sake of it. You've got to look after number one, and I think this whole process has really taught me this more than ever before.

XOXO, EMMA

New Relationships & Finding Time

Hello, Hello.

I have been trying to write this post so many times, many of scrapped intros and failed attempts have  made it onto this draft. I don't know why though, do I feel bad about my absence and lack of consistent content? yes, but at the same time no. Or is it that I have that much that I want to say that the thought of sitting down to spill it all out is too daunting? Probably. But the most pressing thought, once I air what is happening in my love life it will make it all the more real and all the more of a true relationship. Clearly there have been a lot of things that have been worrying me / playing on my mind about this, and those stated above are just a short little summary about what has been going on in my head - yet here I am.

So, my absence. This is plain and simply due to a lack of time, how do you fit in blogging around a new relationship and a full time job? Honestly, it is one of the hardest things I have ever had too do, but also at the same time it has been easy for me to prioritise my time. A few weeks ago, probably near enough a month ago I had my first date in months, but more so my first "proper" date ever. I have been building up the courage to start dating again for a long while, I have had flings and hook-ups but I finally decided that I was in a stable enough head space for me to start looking for something more serious. I don't want to go into too much depth about the whole thing, but it's safe to say he makes me very happy and treats me better than anyone ever has in the past.

However, with this new relationship comes all my spare time wanting to be spent with him - and rightfully so, if I didn't then it would be going nowhere good. Something which I have found super refreshing is that he isn't on any social media, he doesn't feel the need for it and  so never bothered with it. For someone like me, who's whole life (near enough) is on social media, especially with blogging finding someone who is so neutral on the matter is bizarre in the best way. I've noticed as well when I'm around him I don't feel the need to constantly be checking my notifications and to document every waking minute of our time together. For me it is enough to just be there in the moment enjoying it without feeling the need to capture it so that the world can have an opinion on it. I feel like I am always stuck between these two places, of wanting to share my life and also not wanting too, I am such a bloody gemini!  I feel like there are some things in life that you just want to keep to yourself and this is one of them, well at least for now while things are still new and developing.

So that's where finding the time fits in, it is so difficult at the minute for me to try and balance everything, I am trying my best. Honestly my blog has always been at the front of my mind, but at the same time I am not going to let it come in the way of my progression in my real life. I am getting there though, I always have something I want to say I just feel like I always need photographic content to go along with it, I always feel like people care less about what I have to say if there is no visual stimulation involved. Obviously I need to approach this more sensibly, and shoot a lot of my content all in one day for the forthcoming month. However, I am just too impulsive for that! I'd get bored half way through and by the end of it, not even want to use the content because it isn't fresh anymore. I know that is a silly way to look at things, but for me the best content is what isn't planned, what happens when you start just having fun with it and not take it so seriously, I feel like whenever I try and approach shooting in a sensible mindset I always hate the outcome.

Luckily for today's content I did a two in one, I went on a day out with my mum and dad to Beverley, and decided to shoot some content while we were there enjoying some lush food and cocktails, and having a browse down the lovely cobbled streets and charity shops. This is what I mean about being spontaneous, I always feel like the best content I produced is when it isn't planned and you jut go on a little wander and find some cute little places that you wouldn't be able to plan out. Like this adorable pink door! To whoever lives here, I would like to humbly applaud you on your fabulous colour choice. This is my future dream, but maybe make it sunshine yellow. I had no idea that this house would be down this little random street, yet here we are! Life is full of happy surprises, and I intend to make as much use of them as possible.

So that's it for today's post, I know it's been a bit all over the place but I've had a lot to say and had to try and find the words to express them with. Oh, also! My outfit is head too toe H&M, sadly the dress is no longer available however the bag and shoes are, and you can find the link to them in my previous post. Hope you enjoyed today's look & ramlings. Till next time,

XOXO, EMMA.