Here we are again, a month since my last post, and I have distanced myself from blogging, yet again. SO much has been going on in my life, (most of which I will go on to explain in this post) that I have been that overwhelmed at even the thought of finding the time to sit down and write. I am finally making a start to this post after a surprisingly long day at work but also a very motivated meeting that has kicked myself into gear. If you follow me on any of my social media's i.e. Twitter (@emmalouiseloves) or Instagram (@emmacarline), then you will have a rough idea of exactly what is going on with my life, but I am here to explain it in much further detail. Pre warning, what I discuss in today's blog post is rather personal and quite taboo to talk about - which in all honesty is why I want to talk about it. I am not going to hold anything back because I want to be as transparent as possible, just so that women feel more comfortable talking about these things! So there is your "trigger" warning.
So as I mentioned in my last post I am in a new relationship, and a few weeks ago I bled pretty bad during / right after intercourse. As soon as I realised that it wasn't me coming on my period I knew that something wasn't right. I had just changed over my mode of contraception, from being on the implant for 6 years to then going on the pill so I thought it might have something to do with that. I booked an appointment with the doctor for a check up just to see what was going on, and if it was anything to worry about. It came around to my appointment and she did a "smear" test, however I am too young for a proper smear she just did a full examination and took some swabs. Obviously prior to this she asked me a lot of questions about my sexual history, if I am in a new relationship and if we had been tested / used a condom. To which my reply was yes I am in a new relationship, and no we haven't used condoms. YES I KNOW, it was very gullible of me - I am much too trusting. So, she was already pre-judging and assuming that it will be S.T.I related. After she finished the examination she told me my cervix was swollen and "patchy", but she immediately near enough assured me it would be from an infection. However, my mum had cervical cancer - so she had a referral ready for the hospital. Never the less she did not prepare me one bit for if the results came back negative.
A week later, bear in mind in this time I had to try to explain to my very new boyfriend that there is a high risk that I have an S.T.I, I get my results back. SHOCK, there all negative. No signs of infection. I was on the phone to the doctors ready and prepared for, "oh it's gonorrhoea", and it knocked me back so hard. I was so mentally prepared for that result, and then to be told that there is no infection - I had no clue what to do. I was in no way prepared for it, nor did I know what my next step is or what I needed to do. I had a phone meeting with my doctor the next day, the hospital referral was sent through and I was rushed through due to my family history. All of this happening while trying to juggle a full time job, new relationship and a holiday in a few weeks. Stress doesn't even begin to touch the sides with what I have been going through.
The day of the appointment came round last week and I was absolutely bricking it, one I have only ever been once for an x-ray on my back, and two, the thought of another internal examination made me feel a bit sick. But I was positive that at least I was going to be getting somewhere. However, let me tell you now that was one of THE worst experiences of my life. To start with they had no notes or anything from the doctors, I had to tell them everything again because there had been literally no communication. The doctor was male, and didn't tell me till after the examination that he was a trainee. He really rushed the whole thing through, I felt super uncomfortable and vulnerable. Also, all they did was the EXACT same thing they did at the doctors. Took the same swabs for the same tests that I had been negative for 10 days prior. We told the nurse and the doctor this, and the nurse literally said "well do I need to bin these then?", at this point I was crying my eyes out feeling violated and like my time has been completely wasted. To top it all off, they out right refused to do a smear test, even after me and my mum both told them that she had cervical cancer they still refused claiming that I am just too young. I left that hospital angry, upset, confused violated and infuriated. It was such a waste of time. I had to wait till yesterday, where I had a Colposcopy and the results from that will finally tell me what's wrong. However the nurse I had for this procedure was lovely, she talked me through and explained everything - what was going to happen now, and what will happen with future.
SO, what is a Colposcopy? It is where the take a magnifying glass and get a real close look at the cervix to be able to see exactly what's going on, and they take 2 biopsy samples to send to the lab to test for a definitive result. MY GOD, taking biopsy samples freaking hurt like a bitch. I am not going to sugar coat it, it's two very sharp twinges. Although she did take a much bigger sample on me than needed, so maybe that's why it hurt so much? Either way, it is painful but it's over in a few seconds and obviously 100% worth it to have your results fully conclusive. It was a weird experience, but was over in 40 minutes and very educational and reassuring that it isn't as scary or as daunting as it all seems. It will take around 2 weeks to get my results back, but I am surprisingly not worried! I know what the following procedure will be and I know that my treatment plan is already pretty much sorted for me, so in all honesty it's just a waiting game! Luckily, I go on holiday in a week so I have the best distraction, and also I don't think I have ever needed a holiday more than I do right now.
Understandably my blog has taken a backseat, which in all this madness it can't be helped. But while I am on this topic, us girls need to start talking more about these things. If I hadn't of bled during sex, I wouldn't of even had a clue there was anything wrong with me. We all need to feel more comfortable sharing our stories and talking about these things so that people going through it don't feel alone, and also don't ignore the warning signs. I know it's horrible, and the thought of going to the doctors about it is embarrassing but at the end of the day it's there job - and your health is more important. I'll be sure to keep you updated on the whole process / procedure and my results, I really want to share as much as this on my blog as possible because I think it will actually be super insightful and helpful. We all need to feel more confident talking about these things, at the end of the day we have nothing to be ashamed of.
OH, and onto the new relationship - that has unfortunately come to an end. It was me that ended things, for reasons I think I am going to cover in a future blog post. This post is long enough without me adding all this onto it. But I'll put it simply as I wasn't going to stay with someone who I just wasn't compatible with, the fact that I was constantly trying to make things work just emphasised the fact that things weren't working. It's not the be all and end all being in a relationship, I am happier on my own! There will be a full on discussion about this in a future post because I don't think anyone should feel like they have to be / stay with someone just for the sake of it. You've got to look after number one, and I think this whole process has really taught me this more than ever before.
XOXO, EMMA
