Everyone in some way or another deals with the feeling of failure at least once or twice in their life, it is inescapable. However I think as a generation we are one which puts this unimaginable pressure on ourselves for absolute perfection / greatness, and with that becomes a feeling of failure when we almost always not failing. We are all a subject to it, and I've noticed it a hell of a lot more with myself now that I've graduated.
Being a University Grad who has moved back home with her parents and is doing a job which has no correlation with her degree, I can safely say that I have been feeling like a failure with a capital F. I can't seem to shake the feeling, even though deep down I'm not. It's stupid because I know chances of going into your dream job / career after University are slim, but it still left the question in my head, what was the point?
I've noticed that ever since I graduated, I have put this mass amount of pressure on myself to always be busy and challenging myself. I think in part it is to stop me feeling like a failure, and the other part is so I don't feel like I'm wasting my life away. If there is one thing I am most scared of in this world, it is dying and feeling like I haven't lived a full life and experienced all the world has to offer. Which in turn means that when I get in a routine in my life, I get scared and irritable at the idea of seeing and doing the same thing everyday, in my eyes it's a waste. This is a love / hate relationship that I have with my restless soul almost every day.
Never the less I also have another equal passion in life, and one that without my degree I don't think I would've realised, and also one that my self pity has been hiding from me ever since I graduated. My biggest dream and goal in life is to use the power of film to raise awareness and be able to educate on certain topics. These topics are areas of discussion that aren't talked about enough, i.e. mental health, sexual abuse, child abuse, lower classes etc. I want to represent the underrepresented. I come from / live with and deal with so many of these on the daily and the lack of knowledge and overused negative/wrongful stereotypes is astounding. I want to use my voice to try and reach out to people, to be relatable to those going through something similar and to open up peoples perspectives. This is an end goal / dream of mine, and it's not about doing it as a career or for money, it's about feeling like I am doing something that can help to change our perspectives, it's about feeling and being a part of something much bigger. This is a way for me to feel like my life isn't going to waste, and fights my restlessness as mentioned before.
You see, up until I sat down to write out and draft this post, I had completely lost sight of what I wanted to achieve from my life. I was drowning in my feeling of failure that I failed to realise how much of a success I am. Every day I was drifting away from my dream, I was letting the comfort of my reality and my routine life take over, and my dream was drifting away. Now I have full grasp again I am never letting go. So, I am going to start my planning and pre-production for a short film that I have wanted to make for the longest time, and I am going to make it happen. We have so much available at our fingertips, we just need to reach out and grab it and not get weighed down by the negativeness.
So to anyone out there who is in a similar position to me and feels like a failure, just remember that you are a success. Just by living you are a success. Do not let it cloud your judgment and let you forget about your dreams, everyone needs a dream. All you have to do is remind yourself what is truly important to you, and keep a hold of it.
P.S. to keep me on track and motivated with my short film, I am doing to write a blog post every month marking my progress, if your interested in that - keep your eyes peeled!
